she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
