Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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