Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
