I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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