Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
