Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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