we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
