I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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