You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
