you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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