i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize