Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
