she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
We need to get me chipped asap
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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