I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Randomize
