i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
