oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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