now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Randomize
