The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
