Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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