if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
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