i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
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