i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
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