the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
