Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I'm sobbing to NWA
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
