I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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