its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
