haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
