i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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