All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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