seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
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You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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