I faked an abortion last night.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
