mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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