my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Boobs are out for the taking
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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