I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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