How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
