it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
