I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
