new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
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He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
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It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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