i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
