We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
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I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
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Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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