So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
