i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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