I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
