So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
But break dance skills will only take you so far
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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