All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
