If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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