I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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