I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
