I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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