I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
