I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
