I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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