Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
