if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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