Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
