If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
i out mim tonsoeep
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
